A dawn's hell entry

Granny asked me in an email if I was ok. This is what came out:

Yes and no. Susie finally convinced me I need some help, so cousin Sherry is coming over tomorrow. She can't really do much, but she will be here in case I need her, you know? Help prevent me from SPAZZING or something.

I really can't handle being alone with the kids and this pregnant at the same time- for this long anyway. I keep telling them (Chantz and his parents) that I need him home, but they don't get it. C probably does, but what can he do? I can't come out and say what is really wrong with me, because then they will think I am a psycho (again) or I will have to listen to their stupid advice. People who have never had depression, panic attacks or adult add symptoms (I think I have that, too) can't possibly know what I am going through. My MIL is perfect, remember? She can't sympathize either. Not everyone can, but it makes it worse in this situation. See, they don't get it, so I must be a worthless, lazy, loser, or a high strung, over reactor. They won't call me that, I can hear it in the things that they do say to me, you know? So it wouldn't matter if I told them what goes through my mind and how I get confused and frustrated and lost or freak out and spaz and scream or any of the things that can happen (not all the time, but these things have been occurring more and more as time goes on w/o my backup -chantz- and my hormones go out of whack, you know?). It wouldn't matter because she would tell me I am fine, it's just in my head, not to worry, he will be home soon, blah blah blah...

If I didn't have a better handle on myself I would have called him and cried and begged him to come home, that I thought I would completely lose it if he left me here any longer. But that won't happen to me. I have trained myself to recognize these "malfunctions"- what else to call them?- and take control again. It took a long time to do this. I used to be nuts. The medication is probably what helps the most, though.

I also can't break down because it would disappoint Chantz. I can't fail. A two edge sword, I know. Fear of failing tears me apart, and the consequences of failing keeps me together.

...it costs $700 in gas to get here- out of their pocket if he doesn't have a load to bring back up. So I worry about that too, and so does he. He has a lot to live up to...

Chantz isn't a bad guy. We are just both under a lot of stress, but for different reasons. I can fail, I guess I am to afraid to. I guess it's not really failing, but it seems so to me. I just can't do this anymore. I hope he does leave tomorrow. He needs to leave tomorrow. I need him here.