The Heroine

I wrote a story called The Heroine and you can go see it over at Flashes of Speculation!

So, what do ya think???

too much

An email from Candy: "What's going on with you - are you okay? I worry when I don't hear from you."

My reply:

i am so-so
less crazy, still confused
paranoia is gone (didn't know i had it before)
still overwhelmed. still spending too much money. still stressed and frustrated. still not sleeping at night.
been reading or watching tv.
BUT i am trying to get stuff done. try to get austin into mental health, no answer, left message, no call back. try to get kids to doctor, phone busy.
am skipping tessa's piano lessons today. its too much.
girl scouts 2x/month, science club and piano lessons???
the lesson is at 4:30. rush hour traffic!? schools letting out!? missing dinner time every friday!? its too much
i am getting dinner ready right now, we are going to eat, and watch a movie i bought and stay the fuck home
c is on his way home
THANK GOD.
i am a tad tired and run down, brandy still has a cold. class is going well. i have a 99%

I've been Nab'd

What do you think about that?

---

And isn't this the most hideous thing you have ever seen? (Not the boy, the sofa, people!)

Musings, not amused

What is the politically correct term for black people in England?
Why do I get so overwhelmed?
Why is Bruce too much all the time?
Why am I such a spaz?
Why am I not as good a mommy as I was a year ago?
Why is my porch such a disaster?
Why do I get stuck doing shit I don't want to do?
Why do I feel guilty when I do something for myself?
Why are babies so cute?
Why do baby girls lift their dresses over there heads?
Why is peek-a-boo so fascinating for babies?
Why can't I screw in a screw into the wall with out stripping it out?
I hate not being able to finish something I start.
So if I don't think I can, i won't try.
The bookcase in my room is disastrous.
There is an overwhelming amount of laundry to do, the floor needs to be mopped, there is barbeque sauce on the wall by the table, and toys everywhere.
It takes forever just to sweep this floor, and even longer to get it in shape to be mopped.
Tomorrow it will looks just as gross anyway so why bother?
I hate disappointing Chantz.
I spend money I don't have when I am stressed out.
I want him home!
I am tired of these trips to Montana.
They were supposed to get a new driver. That was the plan.
They don't care. No one fucking cares.
Why don't people understand simple English?
Why is the following concept so difficult for them to understand?
Why don't they care about me?
Why don't I matter?

I still can't do this by myself!!!

Today's AstroSlam for Capricorn

"You should seriously consider stepping out of your comfort zone today. If your first impulse is to say yes then for God's sake say no. If your impulse is you say yes, pause a minute to reflect, then say no."


Astrology.com

And blah blah blah

I don't have issues, Paris has issues.
I am tired, lonely, and confused.
I am happy, and funny, and playful.
I get pleasure from pleasing others, and this is not abnormal!
I am sick and tired, and I hate being ridiculed.
Sometimes I read more into things than I should.
I can be a real pain in the ass.
People bug me.
I like being alone.
I love the internet.
My favorite place is sitting on my throne in front of the computer. I even eat here.
I am easily frustrated.
Sometimes boys really irritate me.
I am a very sexual person.
But I tend not to show it.
I keep stuff looked up inside.
I have a very good imagination.
I like to sleep.
But not at night.
I have crazy dreams at night and feel as though I slept hardly at all.
I love information and finding out about stuff.
I am horrified that I had my two sons circumcised.
Would you allow the doctor to remove part of your daughter's clitoris?
Yes, it is the same thing.
I am going to bed now.

Happy Mother's Day!

Happy Mother's Day!

Mine sucked and we will leave it at that. The shit was so crazy that half of you wouldn't believe me!!!

Bill, my mom's husband, (sorry, I have never called him my step dad, that place is reserved, with contempt, for Saint John,) arrived here yesterday. Wow! that sentence could be nominated for the sentence with the most commas! He drove here from Montana in this itty bitty 2 seater car. It's cute. Ma was so excited when he finally arrived in our town. Before that she was an anxious pain in the butt, lol!

They are going with the realtor today to look at more houses and I think, to revisit some we already looked at. I don't think I am invited though!

Brandy's first birthday is tomorrow! How great is that? Dad, is going to miss it though because he is in Montana. Poor daddy!

Fred Q suggested at his blog to come up with a theme. He says no one wants to here about our cats. Hmmm... but I just got a new cat. Her name is Molly and she is 5 1/2 weeks old. Black and white spots, and adorable!!!

Should I give my blog a theme?
Should I leave it the way it is?
Leave a your opinions in the comment section!

My Mommy

Ma is here, finally! We spent today looking at houses. This is our favorite one. Aren't those cabinets beautiful? The fire place is open to the living and dining rooms. It's a three bedroom, 2 bath house with out a garage.

We have lots more looking to do, so wish us luck!!

A Busy Week

The garden is planted. Cucumbers, dill, garlic, potatoes, tomatoes, jalapeño peppers, onions, leaf lettuce, melons, pumpkins, yellow sweet corn, red sweet corn, sugar snap peas, spaghetti squash and buttercup squash. The last one I had to get by special request from Montana via Alice. They don't sell buttercup squash here. Four strawberry plants are planted up by the house next to some flowers I put in. A huge tire in sitting close by the porch and my little flower garden, waiting for play sand to fill it. An 18 inch deep wading pool is taking up half of my back porch. Austin mowed the lawn today using the riding mower and C put concrete in around the septic system sprinklers. I followed them home from the mils today, C on the big blue tractor and Austin on the riding mower, about a mile on the main road. Our ditches are level now and he used the tractor to get the massive tire off the trailer. Seriously, this thing is huge.

My herbal and flower garden has not gone in yet. I haven't figured out where I want it yet, and I am not too sure right now where my herb seeds are. Oops. I really want to get my lavender planted. I have been neglecting my spiritual studies, too. I really need to start reading and doing my exercises, but I keep putting it off. I guess it is the same with every belief system, isn't it?

Fine, I will put up a new post already

Sheesh! Any more creepy obnoxious comments in the middle of the night, though, and I might have to call the popo out here.

"Um, hello? Can you send an officer out to blank lane?" I imagine myself whimpering into the phone. Then the dispatcher asks me why, and I say, "I think I am being stalked and harassed. Someone left a creepy message on my blog."

Click.

~~~~~~~~~

So, I thought my upper left wisdom tooth was coming in because it is sore when I touch my gum. Yeah, I know. Stupid. The dentist said he didn't see anything on my xray and it didn't look like it was poking through. So I let it slide, and he "drilled, filled and billed" two of my molars. Ouch! He hurt my cheek and my gums! I swear this time, I am going to call and make my next appointment with his partner, the gentle older man.

So anyway, I figure that my gum is swollen so maybe I have an abscess or something? Then last night I was farting around and I slipped my fingernail up under my gum behind that last tooth. Yuck! Salty liquid gushed out and it was all sunken in and shrivelly- for a minute. Then it filled back up again. So I brushed and flossed and rinsed thoroughly, and waited until I felt pressure, ran to the sink, and whoosh- salty taste, rinse, repeat! How gross is that? It pretty much feels normal now. I don't think it was pus, because that is bitter tasting. In junior high my lower wisdoms were pulled and I had and infection that leaked pus. This wasn't like that at all. This just tasted like salt water... or snot.

I am not going into how I know what snot tastes like. We are just not going there, ok?

I downloaded this free 3D program called DAZ tonight, and I swore I was going to open it up right away and read the tutorials and actually use it this time. Instead I got sidetracked looking for doll bases that I thought looked like Rachel and Ivy from Kim Harrison's witch series. Yes, I am that lame. I found them, too! Rachel is a redheaded witch, from Irish descent, and Ivy is a living vampire, with black hair, and exotic almost Asian features. Rachel and Ivy are best friends, roommates and business partners. I am obsessed right now ok? I am rereading all the books and am surprised at how much I missed in the beginning. Like, duh, Kim set that up!

If you didn't think I was lame yet for what I just wrote, you will when I finish. I joined the author's yahoo group. At least I have the email set to digest! I only log in if one of the entries catches my eye, or if I am bored. Kim posts comments herself and even responds to our questions, and it is fun and refreshing, so there. I never joined a fan club as a kid you know. I was to embarrassed because I didn't know what I was supposed to send to them to join, because they never said! Yup, loser then and loser now.

These two characters have another partner. A four inch pixy with dragon fly wings named Jenks. He is married and has 54 kids and lives in their garden, which is between the church they live in and the graveyard. They are "runners"- kind of like PI's slash cops and they catch bad guys, mess around with demons and magic, and try not to push each others buttons so that Ivy doesn't vamp out and attack Rachel.

The series is great, so there, and this is my blog, so I will talk about it. It is past one in the morning and I am tired, wore out, and edgy. I could really use some Starbucks right now. It just sounds really very good.

*sigh*

I can't wait to get started on my dolls!

Snowing in Fairfield,Texas

Big C sent to this photo to me a few minutes ago. It may be cold here in Willis, and a tad bit rainy, but it is Snowing in Fairfield, TX!!! He is on his way to Dallas, and I am including a map, because that is the kind of girl I am!!!

Beanie wants...

Beanie wants me to do a meme that she made up.I am supposed to come up with 10 things that no one talks about anymore that I think people should talk about and then tag 5 people. Lets see?

1. pro life or pro choice? I don't here this come up so much anymore
2. why babies like to play in toilets- they do it all the time, but no one ever talks about it. you never here mommies saying, "Well my daughter dropped her pacifier in the toilet and them sucked on it," and the other mommy saying, "My son threw my cell phone in the toilet, beat that!"
3. Why dogs like to eat shit. Ain't that just gross? They will eat it anywhere, anytime, anyone's!!!
4. God Bret Michaels was got back in the day! Why doesn't anyone talk about Poison?

5. banana seat bikes- where did they all go?
6. The old Dr Who TV series- does anyone remember what it was about?
7. Those weird guys on Laverne and Shirley- I swear I here their voices on cartoons sometimes.
8. Why isn't the "but its my birthday, mommy!" joke funny anymore?
9. Politically incorrect topics- lets talk about them. Like, why do we still financially support native americans? People got conquered for centuries. Get over it, right? Right?? :P
10. The origins of "MEME"- What the fuck does meme mean? And how the fuck do I pronounce it???? Where does it come from?

Um, I tag Candy and Marlee and thats enough. Sorry beanie!

So, I have been thinking about going back to college. De Vry has an online degree program and I want to go to school from home. I have this thing though about responsibility. I am afraid to get training for a job, because I think what if I can't do it? I like web development, but I am also drawn to another one. I need to think about this. C asked me why I want to go to school and I lied to him. I want to go back so I don't have to be dependent on him. that way, of he ever decides to leave me, I can support myself and our kids. I told its because the kids will be in school in a few years and I am not going to stay home then. I said I want to contribute to the family. But mostly, I want to feel needed and valuable and I want to be protected in case something ever happens to him ... or he gets sick of me and kicks my wild lazy ass out, ha ha ha!

Beanie also wants to know the story behind the firemen. Isn't she nosy? Ok, I went to the pet store to get a bigger bird cage for my finches and I brought Brandy with me. I used the button on the key to unlock both sides of the car and I set the keys on the seat, thinking I shouldn't but I hate digging them out of my pocket or purse again, because I can't hold them and put Brandy in her seat. It was raining out, and I had the back windows shut, and I loaded baby and stuff up, and shut the door. I don't normally shut the side door until I go around and open my door, just in case this happens, but it was raining, remember? I shut it, and it was locked. There is no way to lock the entire van from the side door, and I had put the keys on the front seat. It beeps when it locks from the keys and I did not hear a beep! I think it locked itself. I went back in to Pet Smart and a kids came out who had a thingy to unlock it in his truck. Well, it didn't work. This nice family came and she offered to call the police for me after not finding a hanger in a clothing store in the strip mall. A police officer came out followed by a fire truck (sirens and everything- because it had to navigate I45!) and the cop comes up and asks me what happened.
"I put the baby in the van and set the keys down and shut the door! She is locked in!"
He chuckled. A good natured cop. I was afraid I would get a ticket or something. I wasn't scared because I knew it would be ok, deep down, but afterward a fireman said she could have run out of air, or gotten to hot even in that mild weather! I was jittery on the way home.

The nice lady's kids entertained brandy through the window and she was happy. I thought to take a picture of the truck just after they wedged my door open and stuck this thingy in there to unlock the doors. Then I saw that they had gone into my van and got her out! Um, yeah, I should have done that but I was a bit detached and overwhelmed by the whole thing. We were drawing a crowd and I thought no one would ever believe me, so I took a few more pics on the digital camera. A fireman gave her a stuffed dalmatian and we went home.

Then end.

Oh, and it is Palm Sunday, April fools day, and there's a full moon out tonight! What a fucking combination.

"Well, alive, anyway!"

I'm still here, barely. I had a partial root canal on Monday and have it finished in two weeks. This sucks. You have no idea how pricey this procedure is. But the pain!!! My god, the pain was terrible. I mean the toothache, not the procedure. Root canals don't hurt. Then this morning I forgot to cancel the appt I made at some other dentist who couldn't get me in right away.

It's spring break. I guess the Dentists here don't work on spring break.


Yup, the kids are home this week!!! All week. And our plans are to sit around playing games on the PCs. Except for the Sims. It isn't working, which really makes me mad because I built a kick ass house and it wouldn't let me save it!!! I did get a screen shot of it though!


My in laws got another horse. The poor thing looked like they were starving it. I don't know what it is about people here in Texas, but the livestock look terribly thin and malnourished. It makes me sick. Their neighbors only feed their horses a small amount of hay and feed a day, carefully measured and weighed! Hell, I feed Dolly and Mayday close to a bail a day!!! He is a beautiful 3 year old brownish red Thoroughbred (Dolly is a quarter horse). She happened to be in heat the day Mayday showed up. Wow, that was almost horse porn. He is a young one though and didn't know what he was doing, so whether or not anything came of it we aren't sure. Dolly sure is a bitch though. She is mean and domineering. Feeding them is a pain because she hordes the food and knocks him out of the way. I have my own tricks though!!! No pictures as of yet. Maybe I will remember my camera tomorrow.

Here is one of Tessa, Hailey and Bruce taken in our cabin at the resort.


And a chocolate covered baby!

It's a Dell

And it's mine, all mine. The screen is to die for, it's flat, and wide, and huge and it's mine, all mine!!! He he he!!! It is missing a brand new desk to sit upon, which it will have tomorrow, as well as a new throne for my ass; then I will take plenty of pretty pictures and will post them here. So for now, use your imaginations, or go look up the XPS at Dell. I am currently blogging on the old PC until I get all my files transferred. Windows Vista is very very different than XP!

Oh, and C's laptop came today, too. It's red and black, and has LED lights everywhere that glow ANY COLOR HE WANTS all over the darn thing. It's and XPS also, and 19 inches.

What did you get for Valentine's Day, hmmm?

I'm going to Houston...

...today so na na na na na!!! We are going to The Dump to look at furniture. I can't wait. I also can't wait for my new PC to show up. It's a Dell! Woo who! This keyboard doesn't keep up with my slow ass typing. Jeez its bad!

I slept on the floor in the office/Bruce's room early this morning. Brandy woke up and I fell asleep with her on the floor. Blankets everywhere, lol! I think Bruce needs a bigger bed. He sleeps through the night in his crib, but Brandy was in it. He gets up out of the toddler bed and climbs in with us no matter how many times we move him back.

I really have nothing to say. Hmmm... 3 Italian ladies on vacation were thrown into a pit and then stoned. Two died. How awful is that? They knew one of the men! Sick, sick, sick! Know what else is sick? That creep who raped the boy he kidnapped 4 times a day for 4 days. I can't wait until he goes to prison. He is going to be someones BITCH!!!

I really hate people who make fun of "smart" people. You know the type. They ask a question, then the deride the person who answers the question, like, "Oh, aren't you so smart!" Assholes.

I hate stupid smart people. The kind who threw out dinosaur bones in Greek digs because they were irrelevant. The kind who swore that the Greeks had no idea what a dinosaur was, when they are surrounded by bones and even had them in their temples and drawings. Fucking retards!!!! Some lady had to prove it! The bone diggers and city diggers need to work together!!!

I hate it when kids stand behind me when I cook! And then come back repeatedly. FUCK! Know why? C stood behind me, and when I moved, he moved with me. Tessa will stand there like a brick wall and will not get out of my damn way! Of course she is 9 and I only figured this out this morning and I let every one in the house know about it. Maybe now she will move. Heaven knows she won't keep her butt out of the kitchen.

Ok, that's enough ranting for now.

Newsworthy, Blogworthy News!

Of all the news to blog about today, like the Boston retards who mistook an advertising gimmick for bombs scattered all over the city and shut down bridges and subways, arresting the evil doers, calling it a post 9/11 hoax- 10 other cities got the joke, however, including NY, or the other idiots who freaked out at a dolphin toy- a small glass jar with black and white stuff in it- which they thought was a bomb, I choose instead to fill you in on some real news worthy news:

"Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows" will be published July 21! Yes!

"Bloomsbury noted that this year is the 10th anniversary of the publication of the first "Harry Potter" book in the phenomenally successful series. The "Potter" books have sold 325 million copies worldwide and been translated into 64 languages, Bloomsbury said. The last book, "Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince," sold 2,009,574 copies in Britain on the first day of its release, Bloomsbury said.
The Potter franchise is so important to the company's earnings that it announced the publication to the London Stock Exchange. Bloomsbury shares were up 2.2 percent to $4.40 after the announcement."

Ugh, blogger keeps sticking "p" tags into my blog- which totally screws up my look, since my "p" tags have special css attached to them. Why can't it just insert "br" tags like it is supposed to?

So I have to go back to the in laws to pick up C's check, 'cause I forgot yesterday. Then I am going to town, getting me a coffee, and going to the bank, and I need to find Brandy a thick warm pair of tights. Other than that, nothing is going on around here!

Oh wait, yesterday we went to the movies and saw Night at the Museum with Ben Stiller. It is awesome!!! Go see the funniest movie! And it is totally kid appropriate. Brandy and Bruce stayed at Jan's/Nana's house. Bruce was great, Brandy cried when she couldn't find me, so like the entire time! Jan said it was ok though. heck, that little girl loves me so much, or is so spoiled, that she would cry every time I left her with C for the first 7 months!!!!! Thank the elements* she is over that!

Do you have "febulights"? Come on people, get it together and take them down already!

*I am an elemental witch- I don't call on deities (except in dire situations and out of sheer habit). I choose instead to work with the elements. In other witchy news, I finally started work on my wand. I need to pick up some sand paper; I cut my finger with the knife, but kept the blood off the wand! I also kept the bark shavings, just in case.

Out of Gas

I mean that quite literally. The heater kept running and running but it was getting colder and colder in here. Tired as I was, I didn't get it until the stove top wouldn't light. WTF? We just filled that sucker on 12/8! We used 200 gallons of propane in a month and a half! This heater doesn't seem very efficient. C wonders if the tank has a leak. So we are sitting here at 65°F indoors, and there is frost outside (32°F)! The propane lady agreed with me that this is an unusually cold winter and is sending out a truck this afternoon!

Good thing we have an electric skillet. I promised the kids triple chocolate pancakes for breakfast!

2 cups bisquick mix
1/4 cup cocoa
2 teaspoons sugar
1 cup milk
2 eggs
chocolate chips
chocolate syrup

Mix the dry ingredients first, add eggs and milk; stir in chips. Let sit for a few minutes, and heat up the skillet or pan. I go to about 300°F on the skillet and use plenty of canola oil. Remember that your first pancake is usually trash. I use the 1/4 cup to measure out mini pancakes!
Optional:
Fill a baggy with batter and cut a small hole in the corner. Write a message backwards on the skillet, and pour batter over top! Kids love this, especially if it is their name. Slather the pancakes in chocolate syrup, grab a glass of milk, and go to school!

Of course Tessa had to be difficult and wanted pancakes with just cocoa and regular syrup. (Not "seerip", it's "sirup." I hate when people say "seerip.")

Wait! Today is my alternate birthday- 1/29 instead of 12/29.

Until next time!

The Kitchen Sink

Our driveway is no longer a mud pit, thanks to the gravel guy who stalked us while we were in the van, tracked us down, jumped us in my yard and held us at gun point until we agreed to hire him to do our driveways. It almost got ugly. OK, so it was more like he stalked us, tracked us down, and Alice, Larry and I all jumped him and demanded he get these mud pits filled in ASAP!
Now we have beautiful, glistening white driveways. Ahhh, refreshing, like the old 7up commercials that had the guy with the deep accent.


Have you seen this photo yet? How cute is this? Totally adorable. Makes me want a kitty again. Maybe if I remove Logan's name from the answering machine he will come home. I keep dreaming about him. Traitorous cat!

My sister called the other day to tell me she is getting married! On their 6th anniversary he popped the question with a platinum engagement ring! She still hasn't sent me a photo- I have to get on her about that. She wants me as a bridesmaid, which requires saving vasts amount of money to travel to Scotia, NY. We will make a vaca out of it! I will have to use my vacation thing we bought and see all of my family while we are up there! It's not for a year, so we're good. Gives me time to shed some pounds, too. We will do the fittings here; she will get the bridesmaid's dresses at a chain like David's Bridal or something.

She lives in Boston, but she thinks they will have the ceremony at Grandma Betty's (Lutheran)church. Betty has passed away, but Papa hasn't missed a Sunday since, and he never would go before. She doesn't think that Saint John's church will marry them, since he isn't as, um, involved as she is. And when I say involved, I mean that he isn't born again, doesn't profess to serve only the lord, and be his slave, etc etc. He beleives, and that is enough for her.

Hmmm, was that a bit aggressive? I am only teasing. You would have to know our family to understand. Ma and I don't call her ex-husband Saint John for nothing, lol, and that is Laura's dad. We grew up as holy rollers, dancing in the aisles, moving in the spirit, calling out in tongues, calling out interpretations, joyful joyful joyful ha ha kind of stuff. And that was only on Wednesdays... come Sunday, look out!

I got suckered into babysitting for Gage and Hailey tonight because Jan had to go out of town to help out her sister, the bank robber. Jan has such an interesting life. It's awesome! So there are two kids camped out on Tessa's floor, not sleeping and being naughty, I am sure. Austin is on the couch with Bruce watching Cars Austin just went to bed, and I got my feet up on the desk. Its the only way I sit here, unless Brandy is attached to my boob. Just so ya know, I usually blog while breastfeeding. There's an image for ya! Actually, I have a real picture of me feeding her because Alice is psychotic and nabbed a few. I sent them to myself, because my mental health isn't much better than hers. I'd post them, but damn, there is a lot of nipple showing; I'll keep that to myself. Too bad y'all now have the mental image burned into your brains. Mu ha ha, I am evil.

Actually, I don't believe in evil. I have this theory that there is no such thing as evil, just our perception of it. Society is what decides what is moral and good and right as well as what is bad, twisted, wrong or evil- I think some people just have different priorities, and different ways of getting there. The sick stuff we can just chalk up to psychosis. Since psychosis is defined by the head shrinks, and we all know that their word is better than natural law, y'all know I am right!

Wow, I am really on a roll tonight. That is what I get for not posting anything but fluff for the past week. I still have a meme to do that Ma tagged me for, but I am not in a hurry to do it. I'll get around to it... eventually.

Until next time!