Health and wellness/Note to self

I haven't worked out all week. 
Pain level,  2 or 3 , spine / muscles only so I did some stretches.   Need to see chiropractor. Slept great, pain is less than usual, most likely because I took a soma last night. Pressure is 30.06, weather is good, it's sunny.
I went off the rails diet wise and ate all the nasty things. I made a pact with myself: I ate cheesecake and donuts and cookies and a cheese danish and gnocchi.  Now I can go another 2 years gluten free. Or longer! I need to remember how bad I feel when I eat:
Dairy/lactose (aged cheese is ok)
***No ice cream, milk, etc***
Wheat/gluten
Potatoes!!!!
Sugar
Corn!!!
Sodas!!!
Highly processed foods!!
Don't eat them Dawn! You will want to. Do not! I promise. You will feel pain deep in your body and experience mood changes!!! If you fall off the wagon, don't fall off more!!! Get back on! Saying, "oh well why not, I already hurt" will lead to a downward spiral of despair, self loathing, depression  and pain. No excuses!

Rice and oats are fine, in moderation. Occasional heavy cream, sour cream, grassfed butter, greek yogurt, ranch dressing, in moderation, is ok. Not every day!!
Gluten free pasta, once in a while, is ok!!
Paleo desserts, pancakes and breads are fine! Eat those instead! If you're going to add carbs, get them from honey, bananas,  real maple syrup, fruit!
Coconut milk smoothies!
Make better choices. You'll thank me, Dawn. You got this.

It's been a while...

I have been on anti depressants for a few years now, and guess what?

"Research has shown that people with bipolar disorder are at risk of switching into mania or hypomania, or of developing rapid cycling, during treatment with antidepressant medication."

They only made things worse! I might have been less depressed, but my episodes of Mania increased. Ni-i-i-ice!

A new semester starts tomorrow, for both me and Chantz. I don't have my final grade yet; the exam is part essay and takes longer to grade. Chantz is going to school for (computer) game design. How cool is that?

Oh, yeah. It's also big C's and my 11th wedding anniversary.

Laters!

What's up with you?

Have you seen this? It's great! I am totally encouraging you to go look!

I went to my friend, Jan's, house today. We ended up stuffing 7 kids in my van and headed to the park. Once we got there, and everyone was sucking down snow cones, we wondered, "what the hell were we thinking?? It's August in Texas! Who the hell goes to the park in August??"

I think next time it will be the pool. We came back and stopped at my new neighbors house so Jan could take a look at their Dachshund pups. Jan's wiener dog had gotten run over, and she was preggers, (terribly, terribly sad!) and she is looking for a new dog; an inside, house dog! They have two to give away, and Jan is going to take two of them home in about three weeks. Ain't that sweet?

My kitty, Molly, no longer tries to eat us. Here's a tip: canned cat food can make kitties aggressive! Now she is all sweet and loverly again.

School is going just fine, and I am happy with it. My grades so far are amazing! I also recently got a new prescription for my depression. I am sorry to say it does nothing for my big mouth, however. It's called trazodone, and it is to be taken at night; the fluoxetine (prozac) is still to be taken in the mornings.

I am a google junkie, (seriously, you should see my track marks!) and I had to google that drug. I found it at wikipedia, another addiction of mine, and guess what? A side effect of it is an increased sex drive!!! Wooo hooo!

Oh and I bought a hypnotherapy cd set from Wendi.com. :D

Musings, not amused

What is the politically correct term for black people in England?
Why do I get so overwhelmed?
Why is Bruce too much all the time?
Why am I such a spaz?
Why am I not as good a mommy as I was a year ago?
Why is my porch such a disaster?
Why do I get stuck doing shit I don't want to do?
Why do I feel guilty when I do something for myself?
Why are babies so cute?
Why do baby girls lift their dresses over there heads?
Why is peek-a-boo so fascinating for babies?
Why can't I screw in a screw into the wall with out stripping it out?
I hate not being able to finish something I start.
So if I don't think I can, i won't try.
The bookcase in my room is disastrous.
There is an overwhelming amount of laundry to do, the floor needs to be mopped, there is barbeque sauce on the wall by the table, and toys everywhere.
It takes forever just to sweep this floor, and even longer to get it in shape to be mopped.
Tomorrow it will looks just as gross anyway so why bother?
I hate disappointing Chantz.
I spend money I don't have when I am stressed out.
I want him home!
I am tired of these trips to Montana.
They were supposed to get a new driver. That was the plan.
They don't care. No one fucking cares.
Why don't people understand simple English?
Why is the following concept so difficult for them to understand?
Why don't they care about me?
Why don't I matter?

I still can't do this by myself!!!

Hi

Dear Dawn,
Here is your AstroSlam
for Saturday, July 14:

Some people see the glass as half full; others, as half empty -- you, however, don't care, because you know that the glass contains poison. Would it kill you to be just a little bit positive?


On another note, I had to fall asleep last night imagining my husbands arms wrapped around me, keeping me safe. He comes home soon, but I am not too sure about when.

I am also not so sure I know how well we are going to get along, either.

Thanks for the support guys!

i don't know what the fuck to write

i am tired. i stayed up late reading Stray, a book by Rachel Vincent. It's good, probably considered horror genre since it is about werecats and gets a little bloody and gory, but it isn't scary. I really liked it, although it took an unexpected trip into a basement with a cage and some really very bad men. our heroin kicks super ass though, so all's good.

i just ate a leftover burger that was a tad charred on one side, and that taste is stuck in my mouth right now. wanna kiss or something???

the cat is molesting me, and attacking my ass. now she is after the laptop. the router is broke, i found it the other day, with no power lights on, and it was sloshy. i am pretty sure bruce poured water into it somehow. ain't he cute and sweet? there isn't a cord long enough to reach my computer with out the router in between, so here i am in the closet, sitting on a hard kitchen chair, typing away on this puny thing. oh, and the a/c doesn't work in here, but it's where his "office" is.

did i mention i am tired? i don't want to clean today. i hate cleaning. it is one thing i am passionate about anymore. but some days i don't mind it and even like it. i seriously need to get to the doctor to get some bipolar meds. this shit is just unacceptable.

and my mouth still tastes like charred beef ass, so this girl is going to bring this post to an end now. oh and if you don't like that i didn't use capitalization, then FOAD.

mu ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!!!

oh btw, i signed up for devry. i will be taking online classes and should be able to get my bachelor's degree in a yeah and a half. woo hoo! don't worry, their semesters are 16 weeks long, divided into two 8 week sessions. so i won't be taking more than two classes at a time. i start on July 8th. i already have an AA degree and that is why it won't take me long to finish, if you care to know. and i have to go to houston on the fifth to the devry campus... yeah right. i am not driving myself. no effing way. C or someone is taking my fat ass down there.

yes, i am a glutton for punishment. how did you know?

Look At Me!

He is home, and now I am adjusting. I am very tired. Had a few busy days and watched a very depressing and emotionally draining season of ballykissangel.

It was so very sad.

All About ME

This post is all about me! I have been busy cleaning and trying to straighten out this disaster of a life, with the help of an online friend of mine, but I will go into that in a later post.

I have also been working on a project for my friend Candace. It is fun, demanding and time consuming, but I love it! I am almost complete, and will show it off when I get the ok from her. Ok she said yes! ECandaceWilliams.com

I am feeling very lonely lately. The kids are out for summer vacation and Austin went with Chantz to Montana. They have been gone for a week and won't be leaving until the 8th! I have been asking when is coming home; he said he didn't know. Then he tells me his test to get a CDL for a Semi (his now is different) is on the 7th... well thanks for telling me that. I don't think he omitted it on purpose, but because he is, well, he is just that way, *L*.

I know I promised a chat room for my blog, but it costs money, though only a small amount, I am lacking the funds and time to do it right now. I do plan on it, just give me some time, thanks.

Feel free to drop me a line by email or by comment, or IM me, whatever. I need the strength of my friends now more than ever!

A List of Complaints

I have the worst bleeping toothache and headache ever recorded in the history of Lavender Dawn. I want to cry. OK, maybe not because that would make it worse!!!

I lost a filling and the temparin stuff just makes it worse, I think. The pain is my own fault. Now I remember why I don't brush my teeth- every time I do my mouth erupts into PAIN! I am telling you my whole mouth hurts! Plus, my neck is hurting, from sleeping funny I think. I am tired, and thirsty, and really need to shave my legs.

The awesome shower head fell off my shower, so now we need to go buy one. I am thinking I want something a little exotic. Until then, I have to bathe in the kids bathroom! Ewww, YUCK! I just cleaned up the toilet, and noticed pee all over it! It must be from Gaige, Austin's friend, because Austin had that smacked out of him a long time ago! (That last part is a joke, I don't smack my kids, I beat them with sticks, rocks, shoes, and spatulas, lol.)

And the worst complaint for this post? Chantz is giving me $250 and I have to spend it on myself!!!! I told him no, I won't do it, and he said, "Yes you will!" So I am thinking, I bought new shoes last week, there is $27, and 3 Amy Brown prints- $42.50, and digital art from Folkvangar, that's another $11... so I can subtract that from the total, na na na! Am I terrible or what? There was a time I would have jumped at the offer, but not now. I won't do it, I won't, I won't, I won't!

Oh wait, I could buy a kick ass digital camera for $250! Muhahahahaha!

IT'S NATIONAL DELURKING WEEK

WHERE THE HELL IS EVERYBODY? Guess what people? I have a stat counter. I know who you are, and I know you are visiting.... so why aren't you commenting? I guess I can at least feel secure in the knowledge that I haven't been abandoned or anything. All y'all just think I'm boring. Ok, sniff. I see how you are... ummm hmmmm....

Well, how about some lyrics from one of my favorite songs to not cheer up the people who are not commenting then. :p

lyrics - over my head(cable ...

Blocks & Inhibitions: The Devil

You can't continue to rigidly meet others' expectations, fearing their disapproval if you don't.

The card in the Blocks position points to self-undermining tendencies, areas where you could be in denial, where you could get stuck -- unless you examine yourself and make some corrections.

The Devil card in this position represents fear -- specifically the fear of being told that you are bad, unnatural or out of balance. Such fear kills all joy, creativity and progress. That being the case, learn to get off on creating a little disapproval from time to time.

Learn to maintain equanimity no matter how people react toward your energy or ideas. Free yourself up to more fully and authentically explore issues that are unique to you. Be comfortable with the fact that you have passions outside the norm. When you do so, others' responses won't have so much power to diminish your confidence. Tap your authentic self.

Oh my lord, how accurate is that? That is just one card from my free 11 card reading I got from tarot.com. I am impressed. there was another card so far that totally makes sense to me, but I have to take it literally. I had to read it a few times before I got it, but now I am glad it did. It even fits with my question: What is the best approach for dealing with my depression?