channeling or whatever

Ma's been having a hard time, harder than usual. Since she's been home from New York she accidentally doubled up on her meds and she was already at maximum dose. She could have died, had a heart attack or something. What she did and is still suffering from are emotional outbursts. She's been written up at work for saying ass in front of clients (not the business kind, but the developmentally disabled kind. Yep, she spends all day taking care of the mentally and physically challenged then comes home to take care of Uncle Dave.) Ma lives with her husband Bill, her f-i-l Jason, her brother, 2 black lab mix dogs and 3 cats- Salem is one of them, :( Big plate. There is conflict at work because her brother is a client and she doesn't work directly with him but tells her coworkers when she thinks they are doing it wrong, as is her right!

Anyway, the girls know she is messed up from her meds and got writ' up anyway and has 3 mos probation so she has to behave. They are provoking her, the snobby bitches. G@D D@&M C#@%S! On purpose. Sidney women are- just don't get me started. I feel bad for her and I think how I have such good luck cuz when things get bad, they never get so bad as we can't handle it. The money comes, people are nice, I get an advance on my financial aid, etc. I start talking to Chantz' parents after 2 years and they offer him a job when no one else will .... Doesn't seem fair, Ma is so much more spiritual than us, why is someone looking out for us? Why do we have such good luck and her not so good? Then I think maybe this is her life with luck and that's all she gets, that's all that can be given. So I ask my Dad or God or whoever it is looking out for us, spontaneously, to give Ma our good luck for a month. She needs it. Maybe if she has a good month, she will pull out of depression enough to have a good 2 months on her own.

WHAT! What did I do? What if Tess or Austin get hit by a car I irrationally think. Wait a minute, if anything bad happens to my family it effects Ma, so we are ok. I worry, not to be selfish, we are just that lucky. I don't worry about fincances, it'll be ok for a month, but I worry about Chantz and the kids and the unborn baby. Then I get over it.

I tell my doctor about it at my appoinment because I've had a headache since we got back from Nebraska but it didn't become unbearable until after I gave Ma our luck; she gets migraines. I told him Tylenol doesn't work on this one and that I took Ibuprofen for the pain. He says that's ok for now. I told him I can't take it back and know what he said? Do you!?!

He says, "No, but you can take Ibuprofen for the next 30 days!" Shithead doctor with a sense of humor!

So I think I'm channeling. My hip pain didn't come back until I sat on the exam table and I have had an unexplained sore ankle for a week. I don't think it is my own bad luck I am getting. I think I am channeling Ma's and that's ok. Suffering for someone else makes the suffering like not suffering at all. I just ignore the pain and hope she is doing allright.

I have 26 days left.