Deal with it

This was supposed to be an email, I decided it would make a better post. This is raw, unedited, fragmented, loosely held together and was only put through spellcheck.

This post is about dealing with it.

He (Chantz) should be coming home soon and I can't wait- sort of. He can be a pain in the ass. The biggest thing is he spends too much time on the computer. I mean way more than me, on the phone with his uncle playing Everquest. He said he doesn't miss the game now that he can't play, so I am making some rules. 1st of all, Mike thinks he can just call here the second he gets back and occupy him for hours. This guy has 2 kids that same age as mine. WTF? After being gone for a month, Chantz likes to spend time with us! Anyway- here are my rules: absolutely no playing from 8 pm to 9:30 pm. He is going to help with bedtime every night that he isn't working, unless he just got home, etc. He will take one kid, me the other and we will read to them in their beds. I do this myself now, altering one first then the other, but it is hard. And when baby is born? Also, no playing EQ between 12:30 pm to 9:30 pm- from when Austin gets home until bedtime. I will make exceptions for double experience points, or if he's spending time with us and he begs, lol. Mike makes me so mad. He lies to me when he calls, so that I just won't answer if it's him. Funny part? He is so whooped! He can't play if his wife is home and awake at all! Sorry Charlie, the same thing is going to happen here.

Know why? Because he might as well not even be here, that's why. Hiding down in the basement, not dealing with me and my moods or the kids (I've blogged about them) - he just as well be in Texas for all the help he is. I don't think he realizes that they wouldn't act like that if he would spend more time with him. Esp. when he has been gone so long. Austin gets nervous and does things that annoy daddy; but he can't help it and I remind Chantz. He makes me nervous, too. He doesn't understand how he does this. Hmmm.... let's see, how many times in the last 2 years has he told me he's going to leave if I don't keep this house clean, or stop being crabby, or whatever is up his butt this time? He can get really mean sometimes and I don't think he realizes it. I got him to see it this last time he came home, and that was a first.

He's a good guy, a great dad, but he has his flaws, too. I don't think he should get mad at me for not dealing with life when he doesn't deal with it either. That's why things go sour here, I have depression, and very little coping skills and I tend to let things slide because I get so bummed and stop dealing with things. I was doing great with keeping the house clean and doing yoga with the kids, but then he came home and it all fell apart. So the next time he left, I started over, he came home and I fell apart again. I just didn't know what to do. Was I nervous? I don't know. I just didn't do anything. My routine was interrupted; I had all this work to do, couldn't use the computer, couldn't go to bed early (the pc being right by our bed), couldn't read or watch TV upstairs because the kids would get up and bug me, or complain about the noise. There was nowhere to sit down here to watch TV, and I just got very- thrown. I stopped cleaning, I stopped doing... and bedtime fell apart again. I can't let this happen anymore. At first I fell apart when he left, now I fall apart when he comes home. Maybe it's because it's like he isn't even here. I know him very very well, and when he has too much time away from the insanity of this house, which I have learned from my blogging experiences is relatively normal, he starts to feel free and happy and less stressed. Well no shit, ya think? I would be too if I had a vacation from my real life. But sorry, you just can't walk away from it, and you can't mold it to your liking, either. You got to learn to deal. And that is what he needs to do. Learn to cope with us, deal with us. Here is an example of what I mean.

My mil said it's our fault that Rocksy pees in the house. She says that the dog is nervous because we are so loud and yell all the time. Well you know what? Kids yell. The run around and scream and act like kids. We will soon have 4! Alice only ever had Chantz and he never acted like a normal kid. Rocksy has been with us since last August. How can she not be used to us by now? The answer is easy; mil is full of shit. She thinks she knows, but she doesn't. Chantz was an anomaly- a one of a kind. The dog, the mil, the husband- all have to deal with us the way we are. Yeah ok, I don't need to yell at the kids, but the kids ARE going to be noisy. They ARE going to fight. That's life.

Another flaw of my Chantz- he expects too much from us. I see it now. I once bought into it but not anymore. His methods don't work with me and haven't with Austin and Tessa. When they ask a "stupid" question, he ignores them or gives a cryptic reply that they just don't understand. And with the PDD in the mix, it just gets worse. Example: "Can I have something to eat?" "There's food in the fridge." That is a mild example, but all I can think of at the moment. He didn't answer the question. A simple yes is would do, but he is annoyed because the asked a question like this- again. I don't know how to explain this right. He just expects too much of them for their age and capability. He did the same thing with me and I never learned from him. You see, he won't teach. He'll tell me I am doing something wrong, but will not tell me how to do it correctly. I should just know. He was worse when he was younger; he is getting better. He acts like this with the kids, too. I don't think he knows that this is something he does. Maybe it's why we get nervous around him. We are afraid of messing up; of disappointing him.

He's not a bad guy. He just is as messed up as the rest of us. I haven't posted this shit before, even though this is supposed to be where I vent, as dawn's hell..., but it changed because I couldn't open up when I knew real people were reading this blog. I haven't posted because I don't want people to misunderstand; to judge him or our relationship. There is no way on this blog that I could ever give a full picture of our life, and quite frankly, I don't really want to hear it. This is one instance when I don't want your opinions. Offer advice on how to deal, how to change, etc... But I don't want anyone to judge any of my family. I know you guys now, so I am really not all that worried. In the beginning, however, I was dreadfully frightened. I am sure he wouldn't want this crap aired out like this, esp. by me, because I don't even fully understand him. But this blog, this post, is about me. I need to talk about this shit. Know where it comes out? In my emails, that's where. It just leaks out as I correspond with you guys and other bloggers. This actually started as an email to someone, and I thought, what the hell am I doing? Like she wants to read all this crap. Then I thought it would make a great post- one not intended to be a post, so it is raw and it is real and it is me.